The Pursuit of Happiness

Okay no, I'm not actually talking about the movie.

Lately, I've been on this big "happiness" kick--self-help books, meditation, the whole thing. It may seem silly, but I do have some emotional issues. I've been known to fly off the handle at the least provocation; any unpleasant surprises, and I go nuts. Which, needless to say, isn't good. Unnecessary stress over stupid things is definitely unhealthy, and some things really just aren't worth taking too seriously.

So one of the books I've read recently is the Dalai Lama's The Art of Happiness. I have a lot of respect for the Dalai Lama, and I like that his advice doesn't focus on religion. But I had a hard time with this book, which I believe is mostly my fault. I found myself misunderstanding a lot of his points at first, and jumped to conclusions before he had finished a thought. It sometimes seemed as if a lot of what he was saying was very passive--that we should submit to oppression, have compassion for our enemies, see the good in every situation. But reading further, it became apparent that while he was saying these things to an extent, when it comes to the big things, he was clear that people should do whatever was necessary for their own protection if they are threatened with real harm. The Dalai Lama's own life illustrates that he is not at all passive. While he advises us to remain happy and see the good in just about every situation, that doesn't mean that we can't still recognize the bad and work to make it better. The Dalai Lama himself has done phenomenal work advocating for world peace, human rights, and environmental stewardship.

I'm also in the process of reading Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, which by the title, sounds like the perfect book for me. Unfortunately, I'm having many of the same problems with it as I had with The Art of Happiness. The subtitle of the book, "and it's all small stuff" is wildly offensive to me, and I wish it hadn't been included. Because Carlson is not actually saying that war, genocide, and poverty are "small stuff," but the subtitle sure as hell makes it sound as if he is. Much of Carlson's advice is similar to the Dalai Lama's, but if you only read the chapter titles and don't pay much attention to the actual content of the chapters (there are 100 chapters, each one devoted to a different piece of advice), it's easy to believe that the author really doesn't think there are any "big" issues. Some of his advice includes, "Let Others Be 'Right' Most of the Time" (12), "Surrender to the Fact that Life Isn't Fair" (17), "Choose Being Kind over Being Right" (37), "When in Doubt about Whose Turn It Is to Take Out the Trash, Go Ahead and Take It Out" (40), and "Think of What You Have Instead of What You Want" (66). I could see some of this advice having unintended consequences.

For example, taking out the trash yourself is all well and good, but what if it's something like finding yourself doing all of the housework even though both you and your husband have full-time jobs? Should you do anything to rectify the situation or simply continue doing all of the housework, possibly to the detriment of your physical and emotional health? Does it extend to people taking advantage of you? My point is, just because it's small stuff now, doesn't mean it can't turn into bigger stuff, which probably should've been nipped in the bud when it was still small.

Also, accepting that life isn't fair and being grateful for what you have instead of thinking about what you want has implications akin to anti-feminists telling women to appreciate the strides they've already made and STFU essentially. The bad stuff just isn't as important as the good stuff so there's no need to get all worked up about it.

But is not being constantly "happy" really that bad? In a recent article, Rebecca Traister takes issue with the cultural idea that people are supposed to be happy. She claims that unhappiness can potentially have very positive effects,

Unhappiness is propellant; disappointment and dismay prompt us to work for a better grade, to ask for a promotion or seek a new job, to search for a more affordable or comfortable abode, to go out at night and meet someone new, to try to get pregnant or decide not to have another kid. More specifically, the elements of life that make us sad or upset or bored show us what we do not want; they give shape and specificity to what it is we do want and perhaps the motivation to work toward it. That which leaves us empty prompts us to find what we want to fill us up, whether it results in picking up a phone to talk to a friend or picking up and moving to Bali.

In archetypal American rags-to-riches stories, the dissatisfactions of poverty and degradation are what provoke heroes to make their giant forward leaps. In my far more privileged experience, fear, humiliation and error provided me with the fuel, the desire and the ambition to move away from where I was and toward something else, something that quite often turned out to be better. For that transformative power, I give unhappiness a lot of credit.

I once had a therapist who, overall, was completely wonderful, but in hindsight I do remember him saying something that I now think is completely wrong. He asked me, "If you stop worrying about all this political stuff, what really happens? Does the world end?" My answer now would be, "Nothing would happen, which is actually a big fucking problem." If everyone stopped worrying about all the political stuff, nothing would ever change. Or chances are, the bad people would feel validated and things would be worse. Like, I know that the sexist characterization of Amy Pond on Doctor Whomay not seem like a big deal, but it is a reflection of a larger cultural problem of denying women agency over their sexuality/bodies/lives. Ignoring small instances of sexism, even on tv, definitely doesn't help the problem, and, best case scenario allows the status quo to remain in place. Worst case scenario, it gives the perpetrators of the problem a free pass to continue and even escalate their actions.

So while I plan to continue working on my emotional issues and trying to be a less stressed, even a happier person, I think I'll set aside some of my personal comfort and reject the notion that "it's a small stuff." And while I'm worrying about the bit stuff, I think I'll continue to "sweat the small stuff" if it means that any miniscule part of this world could potentially change for the better.

ETA: Sorry about the weird formatting issues in this one. I can't seem to fix it, nor do I know what happened.