Depression hurts

I had a student once who came to me with the idea of writing a paper over how she doesn't believe in anti-depressants. Upon talking to her further, it became clear that she actually didn't have much of a clue as to what she was talking about, but it's attitudes like hers that may have kept me from the help I needed for so long.

I've suffered from depression for well over a decade, but have only taken medicine for a couple of years. I was depressed, but I was really good at hiding it, and my parents apparently explained what they did see away as normal teenage angst. So I never got help, and somehow I convinced myself that I could think my way out of it-- if I just got really into religion, if I started meditating, if I had a different personality-- I wouldn't be depressed anymore.

Everything came to a head about 3 years ago, though. I had just gotten my M.A. and didn't have a job, so I moved back in with my parents, which was... an adventure. I love my mother dearly, but she also has her share of crazy, and her crazy and mine don't mix very well. Plus, I was substitute teaching and working a night job, and basically hated life. My symptoms also got a lot worse. I would fly into rages at the least provocation, start crying for no reason, and try to make a martyr of myself. It was past time to see a doctor.

And the truth is, life is much better now. The pills didn't turn me into some zombie; I'm still myself. I still feel sad, but I'm better able to deal with it now. My dog has finally gotten to a point where he doesn't automatically hide when I start to cry for some reason. I still sometimes feel guilty about trying to manage my feelings with chemicals, but I'm still so fucked up in other ways that life seems a bit more manageable now.

How not to be an asshole on social media

I know it's the "in" thing right now to take social media fasts, and I definitely understand the impulse. The trouble is, for many people, social media is the best, or only, way to keep track of friends and family who live all over the world. For example, I live in the-middle-of-nowhere, Texas, and Facebook is sometimes the only contact I have with people I actually like.

I think the problem many people have with social media is the fact that people are assholes. And no, I'm not new to the Internet. I've always known this. Many people are assholes just for the sake of being assholes, and the Internet just makes it easier for them. But I think some people genuinely don't understand that their behavior is shitty, and they need someone to call them out on it.

In my mind, and YMMV, but I feel like Facebook is a place for people to post things that interest them, things they're doing, and things that make them happy-- to benefit themselves and so that their friends can get to know just who you are. I may not be into everything my friends post, and I may not agree with them all the time, and if that's the case, I have several options: I can ignore that particular post, I can unfriend or unsubscribe to that person, or I can humbly argue with them. In my mind, arguments aren't forbidden on Facebook, as long as they're mature and respectful, and the arguer understands that the OP should get the last word (because after all, you're posting on their wall).

Sometimes, you have to be firm and unfriend those who don't follow these rules. I knew friending my mom on Facebook would be a problem from the start, and I was confirmed in that belief a few weeks ago when I posted something in support of gay marriage on my wall. My mom responded by posting a bunch of Bible verses, which is fine, but the argument eventually became hurtful when she called and asked me to unfriend everyone who had anything to do with my parents' church-- because I was making them look bad.

I think Pinterest is also really interesting territory, because you don't really have any control over who follows you. I really enjoy Pinterest because it's a really convenient place to keep internet sites and pictures that make you happy. The problem, however, lies with the ability to comment on other people's pins. Actually, I wish that wasn't even a feature. In my opinion, the saying "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" should be true. If a person posts something that they enjoy, don't shit all over it in the comments.

I especially see this basically every time someone posts a picture of President Obama. For every picture, 5000 people take it upon themselves to comment that they hate him. If you hate President Obama that much, leave the people that like him alone and post anti-Obama crap on your own boards. Similarly, if you wouldn't personally get the tattoo that someone likes, who gives a fuck? I don't need to know about that.

So if you expect to have any facebook friends or Pinterest followers in the future, do us all a favor: don't be an asshole.

The Pursuit of Perfection

Warning: This post contains major spoilers of Black Swan.

One of my former students came to see me the other day, and somehow the conversation turned to how much we both liked the movie Black Swan. Yet the reason for his enjoyment of the movie made me really uncomfortable, and at the time I couldn't put my finger on why. He said he liked the movie because it shows that perfection is possible (even though she had to die at the end).

If this is what perfection looks like, I don't want any part of it.

I think he's missing something fundamental about the movie. Yes, Nina achieved perfection at the end of the movie, but at a huge cost. She lost not only her innocence, but also her mother (and her relationships with all other people), her sanity, and of course her life (depending on how you interpret the movie--I don't think it's set in stone that she died at the end). Seriously, what that character experiences in this movie is not pleasant! In effect, she lost everything that made Nina Nina, all for the sake of being a perfect dancer. Some might say it wouldn't be worth it. And for someone to say that they got from the movie that perfection is possible--and a good thing--scares me a little.

Totally Sexy

The new season of Doctor Who has been on a roll so far, for the most part. The first two eps, "The Impossible Astronaut," and "The Day of the Moon" hit all the right notes. They've set up a couple of (most likely) season-long mysteries: the Doctor's death, and the little Time Lord girl. They were scary and funny. Plus, I'm officially in love with River Song and have completely gotten over my qualms about Matt Smith as the Doctor.

Now let's talk about this little girl for a second. I have several theories, and I'm not sure any of them actually make sense. Is she Amy's kid? That's certainly what we're supposed to think with the whole pregnant/non-pregnant Amy deal. But I can't help wondering if that's all a red-herring. Maybe she's River's daughter. Is she Amy/Doctor's? Maybe she's Amy's daughter with a "Time Head." And there's the theory floating around the internet that she is River, and River is Amy's daughter. After seeing this week's episode, my new pet theory is that, off-screen in "The Doctor's Wife," the Doctor and the TARDIS got it on, she got pregnant, and the pregnancy somehow transferred to Amy when she died. That's plausible, right?

I'm also worried about the eyepatch-lady that keeps showing up. If this season ends up being some sort of dream or delusion of Amy's I'll flip my shit--and not in a good way.

This lady terrifies me, and not in a good way.

“The Curse of the Black Spot” has been the season’s only real misstep so far. But even despite plot holes big enough—as one forum commenter put it—to drive a TARDIS through, it was still a fun episode. Not nearly as bad as, say, “Love and Monsters,” “Fear Her,” or “The Great Dalek Caper” episodes.

What I really want to talk about, though, is “The Doctor’s Wife.” I’ve been excited for this episode since I heard it was written by Neil Gaiman. My favorite comic writer and my favorite tv show? Yes, please!

With the title, I assumed this would be a River-centric episode, which is definitely no problem for me, but what we got was even better (Although there was that cryptic reference to River near the end—what was that about?).

I have this weird obsession with the TARDIS—she’s the last thing left of the Doctor’s home planet, and the two do seem to have a very intimate relationship. In “Parting of the Ways,” it always seemed like Rose and the TARDIS worked together to save the Doctor (“I looked into the TARDIS, and the TARDIS looked into me”), the man they both loved, and I always had the weird feeling that when Rose said,” I want you safe, my Doctor,” the TARDIS was speaking through her. Either way, Rose and the TARDIS seemed to have come to a mutual understanding. One reason Rose has always been my favorite companion is that she got to know the TARDIS on an intimate level and always respected and loved her.

That’s also why I was so offended when the Doctor snapped his fingers to open the TARDIS in “Forest of the Dead”—a lack of basic respect.

HATE!

Anyway, so I love how this relationship is basically this weird epic romance, and that the show acknowledges that in this episode. We get to know the TARDIS as a person—and she’s weird and wonderful and more than a bit crazy—kind of like our Doctor.

She also sort of looks like Helena Bonham-Carter, no?

And awesomely, we find that she chose him—she stole a Timelord and ran away with him. Her love for him, and the tragic nature of that love, is both beautiful and sad. In many ways, the story resembles “The Girl in the Fireplace”—a ship who’s a woman/ a woman who’s a ship—and the ending is just as sad and inevitable.

So I think my new theory about Amy’s pregnancy is totally plausible. It would definitely do some timey-wimey madness to a pregnancy, no?

Which reminds me:

Dear Writers, The Doctor never needs to use the phrase “spacey-wacey” again, is that clear? It makes him sound like a toddler—in an uncomfortable way, not a cute way. “Timey-wimey” is sort of cute—though not as cute as you clearly think it is. “Spacey-wacey” is just embarrassing for everyone involved. Thanks.

The Vampire Diaries Season 2 Finale Or, Why It Should Have Ended Last Week

It's my blog and I can use this picture if I want to.

This past Thursday was the season finale of The Vampire Diaries. I've made it clear before that I love this show. The characters are engaging, the episodes are incredibly action-packed, and there is lots of pretty. That said, the fast-paced episodes can potentially be a problem for the show's writers when all the elements of a season finale occur in the penultimate episode and the writers have to try to top that in their actual finale.

Some of the major plot points of last week's episode: Elena, vamp-Jenna, and Jules are in place as the sacrifices for Klaus's ritual; Jules is killed; Stefan shows up asking to take Jenna's place in the ritual; Klaus stabs Stefan and kills Jenna anyway, then completes the ritual; Elena dies, but is brought back to life by a spell done by the gang, which kills Uncle/Daddy John; Elijah is set to kill Klaus but stops when Klaus promises to reunite Elijah with the rest of their family; Jenna's funeral; Damon tells Stefan he was bitten by were-Tyler and is now condemned to death.

Whew! Got all that? It's the perfect season finale, ending with several deaths and a couple of major cliffhangers. It's no wonder that the actual finale can't live up to all that.

I'm not saying the finale isn't a good, solid episode. It is. It just should have been the first ep of the 3rd season. Instead, the show is starting new story arcs that won't be picked up until the new season actually starts.

It begins with the gang, especially Elena and Jeremy, attempting to deal with Jenna's death. Elena convinces Jeremy that they have to try to get along normally, and eventually things will get easier. Stefan immediately spills the beans to Elena about Damon's wolf bite, breaking his promise to Damon, which is typical. Damon has been dealing with his impending death by attempting to apologize to Elena for force-feeding her his blood, then drinking and trying to kill himself by hanging out in the sunlight without his ring (he's stopped by Stefan, who insists they'll find a cure).

Stefan ends up going to Klaus looking for that cure, who conveniently has it... his blood. After killing Elijah (who, like Damon, seems to always get fucked over by those he loves), Klaus agrees to give Damon the cure... for a price. Stefan must fall back off the blood wagon and run away with him (not like that... although a girl can dream). He agrees, Damon is cured, the end. Also, Sheriff Liz shot and killed Jeremy, Bonnie brought him back to life with a spell, and now he can see vampire ghosts.

The good:

Ian Somerhalder's mortally ill Damon. Somerhalder did not bring the pretty this ep, which is actually a good thing. Dude looked and sounded like he was actually dying. Though no one who has watched this show for any length of time actually thought Damon would die, Somerhalder's acting really did make it seem like there was a chance.

Most of Damon's scenes with the other characters. His apology to Elena at the beginning of the ep was spot-on. I also really liked Stefan's refusal to accept his brother's death and willingness to do anything to cure him (including becoming Klaus's lover... was I the only one hoping for this?). It's always nice to see the brothers acting like they actually care about each other. Also, Damon's friendship with Alaric gives me the warm fuzzies--though I still don't understand why people (including Damon) keep insisting that Jenna's death was Damon's fault.

Liz knows about Caroline and actually seems to accept her now! Caroline is my favorite and it's nice to see things go right for her once in awhile. Chick deserves it.

The not-so-good: To be fair, I don't actually know how to fix a lot of these things. They just seemed like mis-steps to me. Which is why I don't write for a tv show.

Damon's cure just seemed awfully easy to find, especially after Rose's death. I get that it wasn't actually easy to obtain, but it seems pretty obvious that the blood of a werewolf (or was it just Klaus's blood?) will heal a werewolf bite. Where's Tyler when you need him?

Damon's deathbed scene. So cliche! I had been basically enjoying Damon's redemption arc until this episode. He's turned into a really heroic guy who does some stupid things along the way. This is just a terrible way to end that arc. A deathbed tear-fest with a loving Elena mopping his brow? I kept having flashbacks to Little Women and Sense & Sensibility. Damon has become the damsel dying of the consumption confessing her sins and desperately begging for the forgiveness of those she might have offended with her paltry wrongs. It's so pathetic!

Elena kissing Damon was sweet, I guess, but I find myself holding out hope that Damon will find a nice bad-ass lady vamp who will actually love him for who he is, and bring out the best in him without holding him back or trying to neuter him. Also, when Elena insisted she liked Damon "just as he is," did anyone get inappropriate flashbacks to Bridget Jones's Diary?

Maybe if Elena had been wearing a reindeer jumper.

The only way they can make this storyline work for me is if Stefan, Elena, and Damon have a threesome. There, I said it.

Liz kills Jeremy. I'm starting to hate this whole "magic ring" mythology. So it works if Jeremy is killed by a vampire, but not by a human? And it works if a vampire is killed by either a human or a vampire? Why does it matter for humans who does the killing? I really don't understand how someone can come back to life after having his neck snapped or being pushed down the stairs as long as it's Damon (or some other vamp) that does the deed. Also, why doesn't the ring protect Damon from werewolf bites? Honestly, it seems like the complicated nature of this particular mythology is just a really convenient way to get Jeremy where the writers want him in next season's plot.

On a similar note, though, I hate that Bonnie uses a spell to bring Jeremy back to life. Now that it's established that this can happen, why the hell couldn't Bonnie have brought back Jenna, or her grams, for that matter.

Sorry to complain so much, but this is just lazy writing. A season finale is supposed to get someone really excited for the next season, but right now all I'm doing is obsessing over plot holes, so obviously this episode did not do its job. Oh well, despite all this, the season as a whole has been spectacular, and one relatively bad episode can't take that away. I'm still looking forward to next season and hoping some of my issues will be taken care of.

Misogynist Bastards and the Women Who Obsess Over Them

Okay, so I haven't been as good about updating as I thought I would, but that won't stop me from trying! Right now, I feel the need to talk about my latest obsession:

Yeah, a season and a half in and I'm still a little uncomfortable admitting this out loud.

However, it's actually a really good show. Definitely better than the average teen show. Yes, it lacks the sex and gore of True Blood and the... sparkliness of Twilight--actually I'm lying. This show is about 400% better than anything Twilight has to offer. And yes, it has serious issues in the race department--all of the people of color on the show are either cannon fodder or witches (the "magical Negro," anyone?)--but I'm hoping the writers will eventually listen to the critics and iron out these issues. Because despite its problems, The Vampire Diaries is definitely worth watching .

The writing and acting are surprisingly good, and it tends to be really fast-paced and exciting. The show's lead, Nina Dobrev, has turned out to be a promising actress, playing two completely different roles--sweet, determined high-school girl Elena and evil vampire Katherine--with skill.

And the titular vampires in question, brothers Stefan and Damon Salvatore, ably played by Paul Wesley and Ian Somerhalder, are both extremely likable characters in their own ways. Stefan, the less evil of the pair, is the love interest of Elena--the Angel to Damon's Spike, if you will. But unlike Buffy's Angel, Stefan actually seems like he'd be fun to hang out with, and is beginning to show an interesting dark side that could possibly rival his brother's.

And Damon? Well, we'll get to Damon in a minute....

This week's episode partially centered on my personal favorite character, Caroline, a stuck-up beauty queen turned badass vampire. Caroline's had a difficult time of it. She spent much of her human time on the show being used as a sex toy/snack by Damon. Then, when she was killed by Katherine/turned into a vampire, she was forced to compel her mother to forget she was a vampire and rejected her boyfriend, Matt, because she was afraid she'd accidentally hurt him. In the past couple of episodes, she's befriended newly-turned werewolf, Tyler, putting herself in immense danger, as one bite from a werewolf is fatal to a vampire.

So, in this past episode, some of Tyler's werewolf buddies kidnapped my Caroline to lure Stefan and Damon to them, keeping her in a tiny cage and torturing her in the process! Poor Caroline managed to escape with the reluctant help of Tyler, but it was obvious that the experience affected her deeply. Also, when Elena and Bonnie showed up for a sleepover at the end of the episode, I may have cried a little. Shut up.

So, with my love for Caroline in mind, one might be surprised to learn of my obsession with Damon Salvatore, no? So the guy's basically a rapist, definitely a psychopath, and also fits into my growing (and slightly alarming) list of favorite sci-fi characters who are misogynist bastards: Spike, Gaius Baltar, and the hero of Canton--the man they call Jayne. So what's with me and sci-fi assholes? Frankly, I don't know, except they often tend to be the most entertaining characters, and I'm also a sucker for a good redemption story, which is what Damon's arc (hopefully) is turning out to be. And another thing:

Yeah, so the other night's episode began in the shower, and ended in the bath. What else can I say, the writers apparently love him too.

Anywho, aside from the pretty, like I said, Damon seems like he's headed for some form of redemption, though it may be a long time coming. But this doesn't make him just another Spike. Though Spike, too, was a hottie, I was never a fan of how his story turned out. I was one of the few who didn't mind the chip-in-the-head storyline, and his subsequent crush on Buffy. I thought the chip was a nice device to make Spike just vulnerable enough to start realizing his true nature. What I took issue with was the restoration of Spike's soul.

I didn't buy the whole "soul" mythology of Buffy. Aside from being wildly inconsistent, it didn't make a whole lot of sense. Buffy's insistence that Spike was good "because he has a soul!" was patently ridiculous. Creatures with souls do terrible things all the time! Within the show, we had Faith, as well as Warren, Jonathan, and Andrew, for starters. Furthermore, it seems like when Angel was turned, he just became a more bloodthirsty version of his human self. But when he gained his "soul," he completely changed personality. It seems that Spike, when forced to stop killing for awhile, was much more similar to his human nature, even without this so-called soul.

Basically, I think his story would have been much more compelling if Spike hadn't gained a soul, but instead had his chip removed and decided to be a good(-ish) person anyway. The soul, within the weird mythology of the show, forced Spike to be good, taking the choice out of the equation. I think the questions that would have arisen from a "soulless" creature choosing the path of righteousness would have been fascinating and much more challenging for an audience and the writers.

Okay, where was I going with this crazy tangent? So the "soul" doesn't seem to really be an issue in The Vampire Diaries, which I like. Vampires can choose to do good or evil, though the impulse toward evil seems to be really strong. I enjoy Damon, because he has some definite preconceived notions about what a vampire is "supposed" to be, but it seems as if his "evil-ness" is mostly an act for his own and others' benefit.

Don't get me wrong, Damon does really horrible things (rape and murder, let's not forget). But it's obvious that, though he does his best to hide it, he really cares about other people. His behavior toward Elena and Rose, and even sometimes Stefan and Caroline clearly shows us this. However, Damon perceives these "human" emotions as weakness, and so pretends not to care. In the last couple of episodes, we've seen this more and more as he's beginning to unravel under the weird of all of his conflicting feelings. At the end of both of these episodes, he basically Hamlets out, using women as his own personal therapists before either killing or feeding on them. So I think he's definitely going to get worse before he gets better--possibly heading for a major breakdown in the near future. But I'm hoping he'll find his way somehow before the end.

Either way, I hope the writers don't screw up his character. Despite his despicable deeds, Damon is a fun character with some real emotional depth. He can piss me off one second, and make me cry the next (kinda like Gaius Baltar). Just please, writers, don't give him a soul!

Overidentifying with Fictional Characters

I recently watched the Doctor Who episode "Vincent and the Doctor" for the first time without anyone else around, and I was a bit surprised by my reaction. The first time around, it was one of my favorite Who episodes ever, and I was definitely moved by it. This time, though, I was full-on weeping.

It's not like I haven't cried over Who episodes before, because I definitely have. I've done some hard-core crying over that show. But in the past, it's almost always been when we've lost a character we've grown to know and love over an entire season--like Rose, Donna, or Ten. But it seems a bit strange to be so emotional over one episode where fictional Vincent van Gogh fights an invisible space chicken and then travels to an art museum in 2010. I mean, come on, right?

So I've discussed this episode before. It's a great one, if flawed. Van Gogh is a heartbreaking character, and his chemistry with both Amy and the Doctor is astounding. There's something just painfully sad about him. He is lonely and mentally ill, and the way he reaches out to the time-travellers really strikes a chord with me. I also adore the physicality of Matt Smith's Doctor. My favorite thing he does is when another character is upset or afraid or overwhelmed, he'll put his forehead against theirs in a gesture that is caring, comforting and protective, and sort of unbelievably intense. I feel like if Matt Smith did that to me, I'd never be able to have another negative emotion again.

I've also had my own issues with depression--I dealt with it for years before finally going on antidepressants just a few months ago, which, by the way, was possibly the best decision I've ever made. So, like van Gogh with the space chicken, am I just starring in my own revival of Overidentification Theater with this episode? ....Possibly.

I've always been drawn to characters who are broken... or damaged in some way. Fragile characters. Nine and Ten are my favorite Doctors because they have this side to them. Behind the whimsy, there is a real darkness. Similarly, I was so attracted to the idea of Amy Pond because I love to speculate on what it could really do to a person who met the Doctor as a child--this wonderful being--and then was betrayed by him. I was so disappointed because I felt that the past season didn't delve into that aspect of her satisfactorily.

Characters from other shows really attract me, too. Firefly's River Tam is a great example. I love the "crazy" characters in sci-fi shows, because they are invariably the ones who reveal the deep, hidden truths about their universe: the Controller on Doctor Who, the Hybrid on Battlestar Galactica--they are incredibly beautiful. Even, to stretch the idea of a "character," Mondo from Project Runway was someone that I connected to to an incredible degree. After the second episode when he revealed how impossibly lonely he felt among the others in the competition, he was my unwavering favorite.

I'd be very interested to know other people's takes on why their favorite characters are their favorite characters, and why they get emotional at certain things, but not at others. Is it just a case of overidentifying and connecting more with certain "types," or is there more to it?